This morning I came up with a theory about Mary Poppins. I don’t think that she was the person that they made her out to be. First of all, everyone loved her, so I’m thinking that she was a seductress or maybe a prostitute of some sort. She used all of her money for singing lessons so that she could continue to woo her ex-boyfriend Chet. Then he threw her out on her ass because she got too good at singing and was hurting his ears. Then, she started practicing witchcraft so that she could fly on an umbrella, rather then the traditional broom, and blow away all the fat nannies. She comes out of nowhere, and because she’s the only applicant, and a seductress, she gets the job.

     Now, later on in the film we see her run into one of her old regulars, that chimney sweep dude. He’s still obsessed because he knew it couldn’t have gone any further back in the day because of Chet, but now he sees that she’s hunkered down with a couple of snotty nosed kids so he thinks, right on, she wants to settle down. So they all get high and think that they’re riding horses, meanwhile, they’re really lying in the street all stoned staring at the dude’s chalk drawings. There are even penguins involved, how blotto were they?

     Bottom line is, that Mary Poppins isn’t the wholesome movie that I once thought it was, it just teaches kids subliminally about witchcraft, prostitution and the glories of drug use. Don’t even get me started on Fantasia.

Author: Ian

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