Hi there! I’d appreciate it if you could give me some advice. I’m 14 and I’m in a very, very odd situation. A year and a half ago or so, I met a 28-year-old guy online. No, no, we’re not “in love,” just friends. Besides, I don’t think it’s possible to fall in love online. However, I really do like him a lot. Sometimes I’m infatuated with him, sometimes I’m not, it’s all very confusing. I won’t go into all the details about why I like him so much, it’s just that he’s SO much better than any high school chump I know. Now, he said that he was mildly attracted to me (or maybe not, he’s very vague when talking about that…sometimes he’ll say he’s fallen for me, sometimes he tells me to chill out with my emotions, etc.) but he won’t act on it until I’m a lot older, like 18. He also won’t meet me unless my parents agree to it (which they won’t.) So…what do I do with myself? Should I try to harness my emotions? Should I just live my life and see what happens, should I tell him when I feel strongly for him?

– Sally, San Diego


     Dear Sally, you are a fool. You’re lucky that he’s not stupid enough to deal with you in person. Odds are, he’s just humouring you and really doesn’t want anything to do with you. He’s probably just telling you what you want to hear and you’re completely blinded by your stupid teenage infatuation. You are a fatheaded young girl who needs to relax your hormones, and stop watching so many Britney Speers and N*SYNC videos. You should go do your homework and listen to music and rant about how bad rock music is these days. There’s lots of time later in life to ruin your degenerate existence by toying with a man twice your age. And now to get rid of Mr. Completely Incorrect… You could go about it by telling him that you just realized how incredibly doltish you’ve been, but I would recommend faxing a mug shot of you in your school uniform to his work fax number with the writing “I’m only fourteen you pervert!” and seeing what kind of fun trouble ensues.

Author: Ian

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